


CRACK fics

by TheCrimsonJawless



Category: Darksiders (Video Games)
Genre: Author Is Sleep Deprived, I'm Going to Hell, If someone wants to make animated spoofs of these go ahead but ask for my permission first, The Author Regrets Everything, This Is STUPID, crazy af
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-28
Updated: 2017-05-17
Packaged: 2018-10-12 05:24:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 31
Words: 2,751
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10483038
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheCrimsonJawless/pseuds/TheCrimsonJawless
Summary: Writers block and boredom to blame for this OCCness





	1. Chapter 1

Fix:

War: Ulthane can you fix the Armageddon blade? 

Ulthane: of course horseman! I would be honored! 

(weeks later) 

War: Ulthane can you fix my phone? 

Ulthane: certainly! 

(a couple days) 

War: Ulthane can you fix Strife's skateboard? 

Ulthane: yes

(later) 

War: Ulthane can you fix my sisters hairdryer? 

Ulthane: (irritated) yes! 

(a couple of seconds later) 

War: Ulthane I broke the Armageddon blade by accident. And my sisters hairdryer is broke again 

Ulthane: OUT!


	2. MY EYES!!!

Death: Greetings Strife 

Strife: sup bro!

Death: I have a gift for you 

Strife: really bro?!

(Death sprays something in Strife's eyes) 

Strife: AAAAAAA!!! FUCK FUCK FUCK THAT BURNS!!! 

Death: I thought you liked peppers? 

Strife: TO EAT! TO FUCKING EAT!! AAAAAAA STOP!!


	3. Scary spider

scary Spider:

Fury: I'm going to bed guys! 

(she spots a small black moving thing on her wall) 

Fury: GAH! I HATE SPIDERS!!! 

(from downstairs someone shouts "Spider?.... SPIDER!!!"  
A roar and loud noises are heard and are approaching upstairs) 

Fury: why does it feel warmer? 

(all of a sudden Fury is flung into the wall as War charges in her room brandishing choaseater and War is on the verge of turning into his chaos form.) 

War: silthia I destroyed you once I can do it again!!! 

Fury:(recovering) it's just a little Spider 

War: SPIDER!!!   
(he charges at the wall with the spider on and he and choaseater make a massive hole in the wall revealing Strife dancing in his room to poker face by Lady Gaga) 

Fury: oh great War! You have destroyed my room! 

War: don't worry Fury silthia will trouble you no more 

Strife: what's this about spiders? 

War: Where!? 

Fury: stop saying that word Strife  
You know he is on edge about spiders now after that incident with Silthia

Strife: (smirks to himself then screams) SPIDER! 

War: where!! 

Fury: shut up! 

Strife: (in high pitch voice) THE SPIDERS ARE EVERYWHERE! 

War: (flings Strife over shoulder and jumps out of Window) 

Fury: oh brother


	4. Chapter 4

Cowboy:

Strife: YEEE HAAA!!!

Death: he has been saying that now for the last couple of minutes! 

War: maybe he is sick? 

Death: he is always sick

Strife: YEEE HAAA!! 

Death: ONE MORE YEE HAR AND YOUR DEAD STRIFE! 

Strife: (runs downstairs wearing a dust jacket, chaps with Western boots and a cowboy hat) this house ain't big enough for the two of us DEATH! 

Death: well obviously it is because there is four of us! 

Strife: well shit! 

 

Bus:

War: LIES!!! 

Death: what's wrong brother? 

War: (looking out of the window. And points to a bus with a banner that is advertising a new movie called WAR STARTED THE APOCALYPSE...) 

Death: WAR STARTED THE APOCALYPSE?! ( Death runs outside and chases after the bus on Despair with scythes raised) 

 

Pop star:

Death: (hears something) Dust stop screeching 

Death: Dust I said Shut up!  
(notices Dust is asleep on War's shoulder)

Fury: Death stop shouting I'm singing!


	5. Chapter 5

Fury: (notices that War and Death are sat on the couch both asleep Death is resting his head on War's shoulder ) awww.....  
(a idea comes to her and she gets a lock of Death's hair and War's hair and ties it together laughing quietly to herself and leaves) 

 

War: (wakes up yawning and moves his head) ow!! 

Death: AH! 

(War notices their hair) 

Death: STRIFE!!! 

 

 

Gambling:

 

Strife: I just put a thousand pound bet on a horse (smiles innocently) 

Death: what? 

Strife: I said.... 

Death: (interrupting) I know but which horse?! 

Strife: Conquest, I entered him

Death: he won't win

Strife: he will

Death: bet you Dust he won't 

Strife: oh really? Your on! 

Death: I was joki... 

(RADIO: THE WINNER IS CONQUEST!) 

Strife: hand over Dust 

Death: NO!!


	6. Chapter 6

Painting: 

War: RAAAARRRR CHAOS, FIRE AND FLAME!! BLOOD AS RED AS MY ANGER!!! RAAA!!!!!!"

Death: what are you doing? 

War: Fury said when painting you should express yourself look... 

Death: (sees a mess of different colors) 

War: what do you think? 

Death: it's beautiful chaos

 

Swag Strife:

Strife: (puts on sunglasses) I'M AWESOME 

 

Mothers day:

Lilith: have you got your mother anything for mothers day? (smiles sweetly) 

Death: your not my mother! 

 

Shut up please:

 

watcher: Do as I say dog! 

War: Watcher? 

watcher: YES?! 

War: SHUT.... THE... FUCK... UP

 

skills:

Strife: (bouncing a basketball) watch this Death! 

Death: no

Strife: (kicks the ball and it hits Death's mask) 

Death: Strife your life ends now


	7. Chapter 7

Who am I?:

Strife: Hey Death who am I?! (Strife jumps about trying to be acrobatic and he is making remarks) 

Death: a disappointment? 

War: Samael? 

Fury: Azrael? 

Death: a idiot? 

Fury: give us a clue! 

Strife: SARCASM!! 

War: Death! 

Strife: YEAH! ( high fives War) 

Death: War after everything I have done for you

 

Pretty?: 

Death: DESPAIR WHAT HAS STRIFE DONE TO YOU?! 

Fury: I put those purple ribbons in Despair's mane. He looks pretty

Death: (* mask palm*) 

 

Annoying:

The watcher: Hey War! 

War: (glares) 

The watcher: I know a song that will get on your nerves! (he keeps repeating) 

War: (covers his ears) stop that! 

The watcher: I know a song that will get on your nerves! 

War: (grabs him) I know a move that will cause you pain! 

 

Celebrity:

Fury : I'm fabulous! (flicks the pink feather boa she is wearing) 

 

Anger management:

War: RAAAAAAR!!! (turns into choas form) 

Death: we really need War to go to anger management classes


	8. Chapter 8

Trickster:

Strife: hey Fury watch this....   
WAR THERE IS A BABY STIGIAN IN THE GARDEN!!! 

War: RAAAAAA!! (runs in the garden) WHERE? 

Strife: (points at a worm on the grass) 

War: DIE STIGIAN!!!! (stabs choaseater in the ground and does blade geyser) 

Fury: oh brother


	9. Chapter 9

Attitude:

Death: I'm not sarcastic. I'm just smart

Strife: same thing 

Death: oh and your smarter than me aren't you? Yes of course you are 

Strife: enough of the smartcasm! 

 

Boop:  
Strife: (to War) Im gonna boop your head! 

War: (growls) 

Strife: (Jumps and taps War on the head) 

War: (pulling a confused face) 

Strife: yeah I'm gonna go now


	10. Chapter 10

Stairs:

(a loud crash and a groan is heard) 

Death: (wakes up) 

Fury: what was that? 

Death: sounds like War broke the stairs again 

Fury: poor War 

 

Stife: He should lose weight 

Death: maybe you should lose your head!


	11. Chapter 11

Attention:

Charred council: KILL DEMON KING THINGY BLAH BLAH KILL EVEN MORE DEMONS! 

Death: I.... 

Charred Council: WE'RE NOT FINISHED! 

Strife: (yawns and roasts a marshmallow over the lava on redemption) 

 

Death: (whispering) Strife what are you doing? 

Strife: I'm bored!! 

Charred Council: WHAT!? 

Death: nothing. Continue my lords 

Charred council: FIND A DEMON BAT-LIZARD THINGY CALLED XYCNOJKDLFRHCYHXHDJCU

Death: could you repeat that? 

Charred Council: XYCNOJKDLFRHCYHXHDJCU 

Death: how is that a name I cannot pronounce it! 

Charred Council: ITS A DEMON NAME! 

Strife: oh no.... 

Death: (whispering) what Is it Strife? 

Strife: I kinda dropped Redemption in the lava (the gun is melting) 

Fury: (snickers) 

Strife: It's War's fault! 

War: (looks confused) 

Death: (growling) 

Charred Council: GO FOURTH YOU FOUR AND KILL XYCNOJKDLFRHCYHXHDJCU

Death: yes muly lords

Strife: (sees Death walking towards him with Harvester out) HAVE MERCY DEATH!! (laughs) get it? I still have Mercy


	12. Chapter 12

RSPCA:

 

RSPCA Officer: so you have four horses and a crow? 

Death: yes

 

RSPCA Officer: your horse looks mistreated (points at Despair) 

Death: no he is not 

 

RSPCA Officer: he is skinny! I can see his bones!! 

Death: He is a horse of the apocalypse!


	13. Chapter 13

Strife: (looking through a pile of games and pulls one out) Darksiders 2? (throws it out of the window) 

Death: (growling) 

 

Mashed Council:

Strife: these potatoes look like the stone effigies of the Council (gets a potato masher)  
Strife: DIE DIE DIE!! (mashes the potatoes and all of a sudden lightning strikes him)


	14. Chapter 14

Death: (looking at a beef lasagne) this is no place for a horse


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How to start the REAL apocalypse

Strife: (flicking through a thesaurus)wait? What! (looks at the word Strife) also means War?! 

War: what? 

Strife: (shows him) 

Both: AAAAAAA!!!


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I have just overcome my depression so sorry if these are OOC

Jump:

War: (brings Ruin to a stop) oh no a short gap! Haha! No problem for me and my steed! Onwards Ruin! (grabs reins) JUMP! 

Ruin: neigh neigh? 

War: come on Ruin, Jump! 

Ruin: (stays still) 

War: COME ON!! 

Ruin: neighhh... (munches grass) 

War: grrr!! JUMP! (furiously shakes reins) 

Death: hahaha! Good boy Despair! (Despair is jumping around madly) 

Strife: good kangaroo!! (Conquest is bouncing around) 

Fury: OH YEAH! (Torment is leaping alongside Conquest) 

War: stupid horse!!! 

Ruin: (bucks him off)


	17. Chapter 17

Strife: War listen to this.. 

War: hmm? 

Strife: (presses play on Radio) WAR! WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR?! ABSOLUTELY NOTHING! 

War: (growls and hisses)


	18. Chapter 18

Strife: (jumping under a tree trying to grab a Apple dangling from a branch) 

War:? 

Strife: Hey War come here 

War: (marches over) 

Strife: jump 

War: (jumps on the spot. The ground shakes and the apple falls on Strife's head) 

Strife: thanks! (eats it and walks away) 

War:?


	19. Chapter 19

Childhood memories:  
War: Hey Death you never told me why you don't like mother 

Death: too painful to say... 

(Millennias ago) 

Lilith: (finishes brushing hair of a four year old Fury) there you go little Fury.. ( helps her off her lap) aren't you a little sweetie? 

Fury: (smiles) Thank you mummy! 

Lilith: (chuckles) now Death.. Death my boy? 

Death: you mummy are a little bitch 

Lilith: (trying to remain calm) who taught you that cutie pie? 

Death: obviously not you, because your not my mother you dumb whore! 

Lilith: ( her eyes flash red and she grabs Death) 

 

(upstairs) 

Strife: sissy? Why can I hear smacking?

Fury: mummy is probably beating the carpet

(end of flashback) 

Death: (shudders) too painful...


	20. Chapter 20

Stop singing!:

Strife: (sings) War wears a red red hood to hide hide hide his g g g girly hairstyle! 

War: shut up... 

Strife: War my baby brother wears a red red hood to hide hide hide his g g g girly hairstyle! 

War: that's not true! 

Strife: War wears a... AAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!! 

War: (smirking then sings) Strife screams like a girl! 

Strife: (sings loudly) WAR WEARS A RED RED HOOD TO HIDE HIDE HIDE HIS G G G GIRLY HAIRSTYLE!! 

War: (sings louder) STRIFE SCREAMS LIKE A GIRL!!! 

Strife: SHUUUUT UPPP!!! 

War: NOOOOO!! 

Fury: (shakes her head)


	21. Chapter 21

The true horsemen? 

Famine: there be thy impostors! (points at Fury and Strife) 

Pestilence: how dare they. We shall show those cream faced loons who the better warrior is! (marches over) 

Strife: what do you want you stupid clown?! 

Fury: (stands with hand on hip)   
Famine: to challenge you both to a duel

Fury: pfft! Oh please.. 

Pestilence: we shall show you the price for thy mockery 

Strife: whatever.. Seriously dude have you been to the doctors? You look.. Yuck! 

Pestilence: how very dare you!

Famine: Fury, en garde! 

Fury: shut up fatty 

Famine: I have never been so insulted by a dammed wench! 

Strife: uh oh.... (runs) 

Fury: what? Care to repeat that? 

Pestilence: you do not strike fear in us you painted cat! 

Fury: (turns into her choas form and totally wrecks them)


	22. Chapter 22

Cheat code:

Blackroot: please bring me some stones 

Death: of course! This will be easy (walks away) 'It will be another fetch quest where I have to find three of something' (looks at map) 69 stones?! Scattered randomly across the realms? In hidden places?! No way! (whistles) 

Strife: (suddenly appears) Hello deth!! 

Death: collect some random stones you see lying around! Any stones! 

Strife: why? 

Death: because I said so! 

(a few hours later) 

Strife: got them! 

Death: good. Now paint ten yellow, twenty five red and thirty four blue! 

(a couple of hours) 

Strife: done!! (hands Death the stones) 

Death: (smiles evily) now go away 

Strife: (storms off) 

(back at Blackroots) 

Blackroot: you found them! 

Death: yes with a little help.. Isn't that right Dust? 

Blackroot: Thank you so very much! 

(achievement pops up) 

Death: (swag sunglasses) as I said, easy


	23. Chapter 23

The book problem:  
Vulgrim: collect pages to make the book of the dead whole again 

Death: okay (walks away) 40 pages?! Scattered randomly across the realms?! In hidden places?! Time for the cheat (whistles) 

Strife: (comes riding up to Death) what now? 

Death: Strife... Do you still have that copy of the book of the dead from the charred library? 

Strife: I ripped it up and used it as confetti (smiles sweetly) 

Death: why in the nine hells did you do that?! 

Strife: I was bored 

Death: (face palms) do you remember how the book went?   
Strife: yes 

Death: re write every single page! 

Strife: that's easy! 

Death:...... Alright 

(hours later) 

Death: (is sitting on a rock and nearly falling asleep) 

Strife: here you go! (hands Death the book) 

Death: WHAT IS THIS?! (in Deaths hands the book is made with blue paper, covered in glitter, has pipe cleaners sticking out randomly and in big letters the words 'THE BUCK OF THE DED' is written 

Strife: it took me ages! Look inside

Death: (crying) I don't think I want to 

Strife: (sighs) oh well.. More confetti!! 

Death: (is crying whilst Strife is happily ripping the book up)


	24. Chapter 24

Weighty issue 

Strife: (sees War walking past him) YOUR FAT! (giggles) 

War: (turns around snarling) what? 

Strife: it wasn't me! It was Dust!! 

War: (grabs him and throws him out of the window) 

Exclusive:

(in the THQ NORDIC STUDIO.) 

Fury: (in her dressing room) time for rehearsals I think (leaves) 

Strife: (stick head around corner and whispers) hehehe sisters gone! Let's go in her room Strife! Oh yeah what a great idea Strife! (heads into her dressing room and sees her whip. Gets it and starts waving it around) oooooh! I'm Fury! I shouldn't have got the part in Darksiders 3! My brother Strife should have! Hehehe!! 

Fury: oh I forgot my whip (returns and sees Strife. She quietly watches him) 

Strife: (swings whip around faster) Darksiders 3 is STRIFESIDERS!! NOT FURYSIDERS! 

Fury: (grabs him) OUT!


	25. Chapter 25

WEIGHT, DON'T!!:

War: RARGHHH!!!! (throws weighing scales out of window) 

Strife: (running across the landing. Giggling hysterically) 

Death and Fury: STRIFE NOOO!!!! 

Strife: your fa... 

(the house shakes and jumps about) 

Death: (looks at you whilst Fury is flinching at the sight before her) Reader, must you really want to know what happened? 

Strife: (missing all of his teeth, both of his eyes are black, his nose is broke, his lip is split and he is limping) I'm... Okay.. Urghh.. Call a docteur... (passes out)


	26. Chapter 26

Good horse:

War: (stroking Ruin) who is my battle worn Warhorse? You are! 

Death: (watching with a eyebrow raised) 

War: who is a good and brave horse? You are!! Yes you are! 

Ruin: (looks at Despair) Damn right bitch


	27. Chapter 27

Fury: I'm bored

Death: me too

War: me three 

Strife: let's play twister.. Oh wait we can't because War is.. 

Death: (covers his mouth) 

War: (raises eyebrow) what? 

Strife: (muffled) f.... 

Death: he says he is bored 

War: for a minute there I thought he was going to say fat

Strife: (looks happy) 

Death: Strife, if you value your miserable life don't say it.. No.. Don't 

Strife: War you are fat

Fury: (grabs popcorn) I'm not bored now


	28. Chapter 28

Birds:  
Strife: Azrael is a bird! 

Death: he is a angel! 

Strife: but he has wings! Birds have wings 

Death: so do Angels 

Strife: so is Dust a angel? 

Death: no... 

Feed me not:

War: (feeding Ruin a carrot) that's it, good boy

Strife: can I feed my horse a carrot? 

War: sure

Strife: (takes a carrot) CONQUEST!!   
(the horse appears) 

War: (watches) 

Strife: (looks blank)

Conquest: (neigh?) 

Strife: Why am I holding this carrot? 

War: you were going to feed him? 

Strife: no.. He is fat enough.. Like you (eats the carrot) 

War: I'M NOT FAT!! It's this Armour it makes me look... Poofy


	29. Chapter 29

Lilith: (recording a young Death and War on her phone) aww what's little War doing? 

War: (scowls) 

Lilith: aww! 

Death: OW!! WAR BIT MY FINGER!!


	30. Chapter 30

(a young War comes home from school crying) 

Lilith: oh my little baby what's wrong?! (hugs him) 

War: Strife ruined my work! 

Lilith: my poor little baby... 

Strife: MOM!!! WAR GAVE ME A BLACK EYE!! 

Lilith: (chucks War off her lap) poor little Strifey! 

Strife: (sticks tongue out at War) 

War: one day brother... One day!


	31. Chapter 31

Influence:

Lilith: Where did Strife go? 

War: he went to see Vulgrim 

Death: oh no.. 

Strife: (barges through door shouting through a megaphone and honking air horns) I AM STRIFE AND I'M BETTER THAN ALL OF YOU!! SO F#CK YOU, ! YES, F#CK YOU MY SO CALLED FAMILY!! F#CK YOU ALL!! 

Lilith: (has a look of pure horror on her face) my poor little boy... What has happened to him 

Death: Vulgrim...

**Author's Note:**

> How did I do? Don't forget to comment and Kudos :)


End file.
